I Can't Make This One, When's the Next One?

Course Code: DEFENSE 401 / COPIUM-CORE 220
Credits: 3 (payable exclusively in future good intentions)
Department: School of Deferred Defensive Skills & Advanced Excuse Engineering
Semester: Every single training cycle known to man (and you will miss every single one)

Course Description

Welcome to the most rigorously academic examination of the modern defensive practitioner’s true martial art: the ancient and honorable discipline of Not Actually Training.

This course provides an exhaustive, peer-reviewed deep-dive into the sacred lifestyle of the eternally almost-ready. Students will master the high art of owning enough firearms, ammo, plate carriers, and rashguards to equip a small private military company… while somehow never quite making it to a single range day or open mat.

Through intensive study of sold-out lanes, full grappling classes, mysteriously vanishing free time, and the immortal battle cry “I’ll catch the next one,” participants will achieve true tactical enlightenment: the ability to feel extremely prepared while remaining completely unprepared. Live-fire and combatives are, of course, the heart of the curriculum—right up until the moment they require showing up.

Prerequisites

- Minimum three verified absences from prior training (screenshots of “Class Full” emails accepted as sacred texts)
- Fluent in at least four dialects of classic defensive copium: – “Next range day for sure” – “I’ll hit open mat next week” – “Dry fire is basically the same thing” – “I was gonna go but the weather looked spicy”
- Ownership of gear that has more miles on Instagram than on the range or mats
- Documented ability to buy a new firearm or pair of training shoes instead of attending class

Learning Objectives

By the glorious non-completion of this course, the dedicated non-attendee will be able to:

1. Deliver a TED-Talk-level explanation for why this exact class was cosmically impossible.
2. Generate infinite variations of “the next one will be different” with zero loss of sincerity.
3. Achieve black-belt proficiency in discovering a class is full approximately 0.4 seconds after it filled.
4. Experience profound regret for exactly 11 minutes, then immediately resume the cycle.
5. Convert any potential training opportunity into a philosophical discussion about ideal conditions that will never exist.

Required Texts / Materials

- The Myth of the Perfect Training Window (hardcover, still in the plastic)
- Sold Out Lanes & Full Mats: How to Almost Become Dangerous
- Complete collection of ignored Eventbrite, RangeWeb, and gym app notifications
- One (1) fully kitted range bag that has never left the dining room
- One (1) pristine gi that still has the tags on it
- Optional but encouraged: a new firearm purchased specifically “for the class I’m definitely taking next month”

Weekly Modules

(Subject to the Universe Itself Saying “Nah”)

Week 1: Sacred Orientation & Ritual Self-Delusion
Opening ceremony. Students share their most poetic excuses. Winner receives a challenge coin that says “Almost Trained.”

Week 2–3: Metaphysics of the Unattainable “This One”
Why every current offering is uniquely cursed. Side-by-side PowerPoint comparing this missed class to the last seventeen missed classes (they’re identical).

Week 4: Doctoral-Level Absence Logistics
Advanced modules in: sudden work emergencies, “my back feels weird,” ammo is currently $47 a round in my head, and the classic “I would go but I don’t want to be that guy who shows up unprepared” (you’re already that guy).

Week 5–6: Quantum Forecasting of the Next One
Using pure hopium mathematics, students calculate the exact probability they will attend the next class. Results are printed, framed, and then ignored.

Week 7: Midterm Crisis (Emotional Only)
Mandatory 2,000-word essay: “Why This Session Was Also Impossible and Why I’m Basically a Navy SEAL in Spirit.”

Week 8–10: PhD-Level Waiting & Gear Acquisition Syndrome
Intensive practicum in refreshing sold-out pages, buying more stuff instead of training, and the sacred mantra “I’ll just dry-fire / flow-roll in the garage… starting tomorrow.”

Week 11: Distinguished Guest Instructor (Cancelled Due to You)
The legendary instructor you always wanted to train with has been rescheduled to a date that exists only in theory.

Week 12: Capstone of Eternal Postponement
Design your personal 40-year “Next Training” master plan. Must include at least six new gear purchases and zero actual attendance.

Assessment

- Actual training attendance: 0% (as is tradition)
- Weekly journals: “My Most Creative Excuse This Week” (extra points for weather-related fiction)
- Final thesis: “When the Next Class Comes I Will Ascend… Probably”
- Extra credit: Physically set foot on a range or mat before the heat death of the universe

Grading Scale

A+ You almost put your boots on
A Your excuse made the instructor tear up
B You bought something expensive instead
C Still “manifesting” the perfect conditions
D Already registered for the class after next
F Peak performance — you never even considered going

Instructor Note

Open range and open mat are scheduled at the exact time you will suddenly become busy.

Should a miracle occur and you somehow appear, we will assume it’s a scheduling error and politely ask you to try again next cycle.

Enrollment is closed.
Lanes are full.
Mats are packed.
The universe has spoken.

Please check back for the next offering. (You won’t make that one either. And that’s okay. That’s the real training.)

Enjoy the eternal waitlist, legend.